The Long Fall From Grace
by RackOnInNC
Summary: My first SN fic so be gentle. Hurt/Comfort, Angst NO SLASH Future!Cas, Future!Dean, Risa, OC Set in 2013 the year before "The End".  What happened when Cas broke his foot. Disclaimer: I don't own unfortunately. R&R!
1. Prologue

This is my very first modern day fic. I used to write Star Trek TOS fic in the dark ages...on a TYPEWRITER...before there were any other ST series! ;)

I wanted to fill in that missing time period when Cas broke his foot. Although some hilarity ensues it's mostly  
pretty dark, but then it had to be to leave things canon and make sure Future!Cas was still the same when Dean  
arrived from the past in "The End". Please read and review. I very rusty at this, so if you see anything that needs  
correcting please let me know. I had asked several friends to edit for me, but they have been busy and I wanted to  
get it out here.

I have also just figured out how to edit the text in the Chapters, so I'm going back now and making things a bit easier on the eye.

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

"**Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.  
He guards all his bones; not one of them is broken**." (Psalm 34:19-20)

_Apparently not_, I thought as I recalled the verse from the human Bible. It was a long fall from "I am Castiel, an Angel of the Lord"  
to simply Cas,drug addled wreck of a man with a damn broken foot…yet here I was lying alone near the fence surrounding  
Camp Chitaqua trying to figure out what had just happened. I had only a second to think about it before I passed out.

I had perched high up a tree in the deer blind that Dean had adapted to a Sentry Post. I removed my boots and socks for  
comfort thinking nothing would be coming this time of day and pulled out the joint that I had brought along for entertainment.  
I had been up here day after day and nothing ever happened, probably the reason Dean always sent me instead of the more  
valuable men in camp. A noise startled me and I dropped the joint, seeing something moving along the fence. Not thinking  
about the fact that I had no shoes on...I never had to as an Angel...I jumped down the 30 feet to the ground rather than taking  
the makeshift ladder as the humans did. I had done that many times before when there was some Angel "mojo" left, but  
apparently the humans knew something I didn't, the human body wasn't made to endure such a fall without injury.  
The sickening crunch of the bones in my right foot and the resulting breathtaking pain told me I was completely…human?

Human…I turned the word over in my mind as I fell to the ground, unable to support my weight on the now useless foot…it  
sounded strange to be thinking of myself in that way, and it was then I realized that my slow fall from Grace was nearly, if not  
completely, finished. Something I heretofore didn't think twice about doing had suddenly made me realize I was now at the end  
of my journey from Heaven to Earth. Things seemed to be moving in slow motion as my forehead made contact with the capacious  
mineral formation at the base of the tree. _Um, should probably just call it a big rock if I'm human _was my last thought and then  
everything went dark.

"Cas! Wake Up! There are Croats out there and we have to get back to camp!" I heard someone say nearby and I felt a hand  
on my shoulder shaking it frantically. I opened my eyes, but they refused to focus, my head pounding like it had after I went on  
my first "bender" many years ago. The voice…I couldn't quite place it…it was female…"Risa?" I said. "Yes, it's Risa Cas! Now you  
have to get up!"

What she couldn't see, was that my foot, hidden from her view under my left leg, was now turning lovely shades of deep red  
and purple and was about twice its normal size. As I moved to reveal the damage her eyes widened, but not nearly as much as  
mine when I saw the foreign "thing" that that had taken the place of my foot. How could this once powerful Angel of the Lord  
have been reduced to such a predicament?

I tried to stand, but was unable to put any weight on the offending appendage, and promptly slipped back to the ground. _Where  
were my damn wings when I needed them?_ I thought angrily, and the forgotten need for some chemical relief came roaring to the  
front of my consciousness. The drugs, booze, and women had been my refuge when it first became apparent that I wasn't going  
to be able to save Dean from finally becoming the "burnt and broken shell of a man" that I had once thought he was. Now they  
were just part of my everyday existence, a way to dull the pain of simply living…if you could call what I had been doing lately as  
living. Oh, for a hit of the joint I had left up in the deer stand.

Risa knelt down on my left and wrapped my arm around her neck to help me up_. "Oh Father, what have I been reduced to?"_ I thought,  
before realizing again that He hadn't cared in a very long time. I rose, carefully avoiding putting any weight on my foot and my head  
swam, dizziness taking over where the pain was the only thing I felt before. Somewhere in the back of my mind the word "concussion"  
stood out, something Dean had mentioned before that humans got when they hit their head hard. As I wobbled I distantly heard Risa  
yell, "Cas! Don't pass out on me now! You have to stay with me. I can't get you back to camp without some help!" I tried to summon  
the small flicker of my Grace that I could still feel inside me, and felt my head clear slightly, but I feared that this small act was the last  
thing my Grace would ever do.

She shouldered most of my weight as I leaned heavily on her, and we slowly made our way towards camp. I hopped as best I could  
on my one good leg, but I knew that my contribution to this endeavor was very slight. As we neared camp she yelled out, "Help guys!  
Cas is hurt! I need help getting him into his cabin." With that I promptly passed out again as I felt several hands pick me up and  
carry me to my bed, much the same way I had once conveyed Dean out of the Pit.


	2. Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

**Oh, How the Mighty have Fallen**

The voices of many people buzzed in my ears as I rose towards consciousness and wondered idly how long I had been  
passed out from my most recent bender, then I was reminded forcefully why I had been passed out. Not a bender.  
Something happened? What was it? _Oh, I remember I damaged my extremity_, I thought calmly. _This isn't so bad; it doesn't  
hurt as much now. _ A long lost memory of Jimmy's rose up and I could see him taking care of Claire who had broken her arm  
many years ago. Any trace of Jimmy's soul had long since vanished from this vessel, but for some reason those memories  
came to the surface from time to time. I as watched the scene play out, little did I know that I had barely plunged the depths  
of how abhorrent the human condition could be.

I felt a sharp pain from my foot as Steve, a man we knew from a nearby encampment that had been an Army medic attempted  
to set the now haphazardly arranged bones and it all came rushing back. I bolted upright with a scream that in my Angelic form  
would have leveled the camp and most of the surrounding forest, but seeing as I was nearly human now served only to temporarily  
deafen those nearest to me. "He really needs surgery", said Steve, but he knew as I did that any real medical services were many  
hours and far too many Croats away for that to happen. "I suppose under the circumstances we'll just have to hope it will heal  
correctly" he continued, "He needs to be NWB for at least 6 weeks, maybe longer, and we need to find some way to immobilize it  
once the swelling goes down." _What was I? Invisible?_ _They were talking about me like I wasn't there!_

"What is NWB?" said Risa, who I would later find out had not left my bedside for the last day and a half. "Non Weight Bearing",  
said Steve. My eyes found Risa's and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was. _Dean will see me as dead weight now, how  
can I possibly be a contributing member of camp confined to my bed for 6 weeks?_ I fell back on my pillows with a sigh and wished I  
could reach my nearest hidden stash of mind altering chemicals, but I had not foreseen any need to have them close by. They  
were scattered in a dozen far flung places about the cabin to mitigate the damage if anyone came looking for them. The chances  
of my being alone were slight as well given the current set of circumstances. I was going to have to depend on others if I was  
going to get any relief.

Steve looked at me just at that moment as my eyes darted about the cabin finding those places and said pointedly, as if he knew  
exactly what I was thinking, "I have given you some pain meds, but your tolerance for them being what it is they probably won't  
make much of a dent in the pain for now. You'll just have to deal with it." He began to gently wrap my foot in a strange looking  
beige bandage I had never seen before and said,"I was able to find this elastic bandage in my things back at camp so it should  
help with the swelling. Keep it elevated and if someone can find some ice that with help as well. I'll be back in a few days to see  
how it is doing." He stood and left, leaving me to contemplate the disaster that my life had suddenly become. I thought it was bad  
before, but this was more than I could cope with. In a room full of people I suddenly felt more alone than ever in all the millennia  
of my existence. I also now knew exactly how Dean, Sam, and Bobby had felt all those years ago when I used to be able to read  
their thoughts…even if Steve hadn't really seen mine.

Risa took my hand as several of the women in my "harem", as Dean had derisively called it, moved to put some pillows under my foot.  
"This is probably going to hurt." she said gently "Just squeeze my hand if you need to." I couldn't imagine that it would hurt that bad,  
but I nearly pulled her over on top of me when the pain knifed up my leg as they picked my foot up and placed it on the pillows as  
gently as possible. "Holy shit, that hurts!" I yelled, startling the women that were trying to help and then I clamped my hand over  
my mouth as if I could stop the blasphemy that had just left my mouth. Human indeed…if Dean cared anymore he would probably be  
proud of his cursing, blaspheming angel.

The next few days passed as a blur of pain, sleep, and embarrassment as I had to be helped with the most mundane of tasks like  
getting to the bathroom. I didn't like it…not one bit. Even though all of these women had seen me in all my naked glory on many  
occasions and they were courteous enough to leave me alone once they had maneuvered me to the toilet they still had to help me  
in and out of my clothes since I was still unsteady balancing on the one leg which was increasingly tired and sore from having to do  
all the work. Somehow a woman tearing your clothes off for an orgy was different than this. I also wanted so badly to just be alone,  
but they were terrified to leave me for fear Dean would come and put me out of my misery as he had done to so many that got infected  
during past missions. I was just another dead weight around his neck. Not that they could prevent it if he did come, but I guess it made  
them feel better. He hadn't even come to see how I was doing.


	3. Thermonuclear Meltdown

**Thermomuclear Meltdown**

"So how is our patient today?" Steve said as he walked into the cabin. "Doesn't anyone know how to knock anymore?"  
I snapped…my comment aimed more at the large crowd of people constantly gathered in my small room than at Steve.  
He smiled slightly as if he seemed to understand. I thought back to all of the times I "zapped" into Dean and Sam's motel  
rooms uninvited when I was still an Angel and now I knew exactly how they felt_. Damn, I was inconsiderate,_ I thought.  
Risa got up from the chair she seemed to constantly occupy and began to confer with Steve in hushed tones.

"I'm right here! My ears and mouth aren't broken!" I yelled at no one in particular. I was really tired of people standing  
around looking at me sadly and whispering things I couldn't hear and talking about me like I wasn't even there. Were I  
still an Angel of the Lord I would smite them all where they stood! I tried to roll over to face the wall so I would at least  
not have to see any of them, and promptly felt the sharp pain again as my foot fell off the pile of pillows. I pulled my knees  
up to my chest and hugged them just hoping for some respite from the pain. An unfamiliar feeling welled up in my chest as  
sobs of pain along with tears sprang from my body unbidden. So this is what it felt like to cry?

I had been sad before, depressed maybe, but I had never felt so utterly overwhelmed. I had done battle with armies of  
Angels and Demons, even Archangels and Demi-Gods, never battling an eye at the danger or feeling the least bit inadequate  
and here I was done in by my own foot. No, it wasn't even truly mine, but that of my vessel, Jimmy Novak. I wonder what  
he'd think if he could see what I had done to his body? Could he see? What he up there somewhere in Heaven looking down  
and thinking, _What the hell has that dick of an Angel done to the body I gave up everything to give him? _ The very thought sent  
more sobs through my body and I gasped for air, in my inexperience not able to cry and breathe at the same time.

I felt a hand on my back and it began to rub softly and Risa said, "Cas, I know it hurts and you feel very alone and useless  
right now but I promise you can get through this." "Please Risa, make it stop" I sobbed as I tried to turn to her. The small  
movement sent another jolt of pain up my leg and I felt something akin to a damn breaking inside me as emotions I had  
kept inside for millennia came rushing to the surface. I grabbed at anything in my reach…pillows, books, the lamp on the  
bedside table…all went flying as hard as I could throw them. My harem scattered in fright and when I looked up there stood  
Dean with blood running from a gash on his head where the lamp had connected.

"Goddamnit, Cas! What the fuck are you doing? You are better than this!" He glared at me and I could see…was that hatred?  
"Everybody just get out, NOW!" yelled Dean. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes not knowing what else to do as I heard  
everyone leaving the room as quickly as possible. _Please no, I didn't mean it please don't leave me! _I screamed, but the words  
didn't reach my mouth. Not able to look up at him the next thing I heard was the sound of the .45 he always carried at his  
back being cocked. My eyes flew open in terror and I looked up expecting to see it pointed at me, but instead he laid it on the  
bed next to me. "There it is Cas…do it…just put a bullet through your brain and end it now if you can't do anything but feel  
sorry for yourself. I'm not going to do it for you!"

He turned away and I picked up the gun, turning it in my hands, looking at it as if I had never seen one. There was a time  
when this was true, but in my many years at Dean's side I had learned that they could be useful…if only to blow the head  
off of some poor Croat that happened to be attacking Sam. Was this the object of my final destruction…had it all come down  
to this moment? "Dean, no I can't…Please don't look at me like that!"

"Here, let me help you get up your courage!" He looked at me as if he could read my mind and walked over to the bookcase  
in the corner. He reached for a particular book and my heart sank as he pulled it out and reached behind to pull out one of  
my many stashes. "Will this help?", throwing the bottle at me as hard as he could. He then proceeded to find nearly every  
last bottle and bag that I thought I had so cleverly hidden and threw each of them at me until I was surrounded by the very  
thing I had been craving for days. I pulled each of them to me like they could give me some comfort, but still felt utterly and  
completely alone. The disappointed look in Dean's eyes was more than I could take and I began to sob quietly again.

He turned and walked out and could see Risa trying to stop him to talk, but he just pushed her away roughly and said,  
"Fuck him, Risa. He's like a damn half dead baby bird fallen from the nest. If you want to waste your time trying to keep him  
alive then I won't stop you, but you know how those things usually turn out." He stomped down the steps as Risa returned  
to the room with Steve, who was still waiting to look at my forgotten foot. I looked at it absently as I realized that I hadn't  
thought about it in the last few minutes.

Steve sat down on the bed next to me and patted my good leg, I guess trying to shake off the scene he had just witnessed.  
He looked at me pointedly and said, "I need to take the bandage off now and see how it is doing." He was talking to me, not  
Risa for once. I guess something good came out of the drama. "This is probably going to hurt like a bitch. Do you want Risa to  
hold your hand?" I shook my head, "No, I can do this." I was determined to show Dean Winchester that I wasn't some half  
dead baby bird, whatever that meant. Not that he cared at this point…but maybe if I could so this by myself then it wouldn't  
matter if I was alone in this world. I gripped the blanket tightly with both hands, steeling myself for what was to come. I hoped  
neither of them saw that I had slipped one of the pill bottles under the covers.

As Steve gently unwrapped the bandage my foot began to throb with a pain so intense that I had to lean over the side of the  
bad and throw up in the trash can sitting there. Risa ran to the bathroom and brought a cloth to wipe my face and helped me to  
sit back up and I grabbed her hand and held on tightly. "I thought I could do this by myself, but I can't." I searched for her eyes  
with mine and she nodded. She understood. Why couldn't Dean? We both turned our eyes to my foot and the black and purple  
blob that confronted me made me retch, but I had eaten little in the past few days so there was nothing left to bring up.

"I'm sorry Cas, but I'm going to have to touch it to see how it is healing. Hang on to Risa." Steve said as he began to feel under  
the skin for the broken bones. I stifled a cry as he probed it, and squeezed Risa's hand so tight I thought I was going to break it.  
"Now can you try to wiggle your toes for me?" The mere thought of it made me sick to my stomach, but Risa reached for my chin  
and turned my head to face her and she said, "Look at me, Cas, you can do it. Just try to wiggle them a little?" My eyes met hers  
and I knew I had to do it…she was the only thing I had left. I barely knew her since she had rarely interacted with me except on  
missions, but yet here she was trying to help.

I felt myself taking a deep breath. When I was an Angel I used to see Dean and Sam doing this when they were about to do  
something they didn't want to do and wondered how an extra deep breath helped anything unless it was a particularly physical  
exertion. Now I knew only too well. I closed my eyes and flexed my shoulders as I used to do when making a display with my  
wings, transferring the instruction to move down to my toes rather than my now non-existent wings. The pain was excruciating,  
but they moved!

Steve patted my good leg again and said, "Good! Considering the damage everything looks like it is healing fine. Since you can  
move your toes pretty normally it looks like I got the bones back in the right place. Now you just have to be patient and make  
sure you don't reinjure it by trying to do too much too fast. Wiggling your toes a little every so often will help get the circulation  
going, so try to do that a little each day. And don't throw any more temper tantrums!" I wasn't sure exactly what a "temper  
tantrum" was, but I'd get Risa to explain it to me later.

He gently put the bandage back on and it suddenly felt much better. I guess the pressure of the bandage was what held some  
of the pain at bay. "Some of the men in our camp are going on a supply run tomorrow and I'm going with them to see if I can  
find some things at the Medical Supply to help immobilize it." It's still too swollen to do much, but if you can keep it elevated as  
much as possible it should be doing better in a few days. I'll come back then."

He reached into his bag and handed Risa a small box full of clear bags with blue crystals in them. I wondered if he was getting  
ready to cast some spell on my foot with the crystals. He looked at her and said, "I found these on a run a few days ago at the  
CVS Pharmacy. Try to keep it iced as much as you can until I get back to help with the swelling. I know that Dean reserves the  
generator for real emergencies, but see if you can get him to let you make some ice. It doesn't have to be potable water for this,  
so you won't be taking someone's water ration…just a little gas. If you can't convince him, just use these as much as possible  
until you run out. Risa looked doubtful that Dean would acquiesce as did I, but I could see by the way she set her shoulders she  
was at least going to try for me.

Steve turned to leave, looking at Risa then me. "You hang in there, Cas. We can get you through this. Humans do it everyday,  
and believe me when I say you aren't the first one to feel helpless and angry about it. I know us humans have less far to fall  
than you, but it's still a shock to the system to be totally dependant on others." He waved as he left the cabin and Risa began  
to pick up the mess that I had made throwing stuff all over the cabin, quickly gathering the pills and bags before I could think  
about them any more and setting the trash can out on the porch to clean up later.

"I'm sorry, Risa. I didn't mean to do that, I just felt like something in me would explode if I didn't do something." Bending to  
pick up my pillows she brought them over and placed them behind me so I could lie back. She smiled a little too much and  
started giggling, I was unsure exactly what was so funny, but then I didn't usually find things particularly funny unless I was  
stoned. I still had little grasp of humor and sarcasm even after all my years among humans.

I fixed her with a look of confusion, and she finally stopped giggling long enough to say, "I hear you have some experience with  
explosions?" "You wanna elaborate?" I said, echoing those words Dean spoke to me many years ago. "Teenage Mutant Ninja  
Angel? Lucifer?" she prodded. I thought back to the two times I had been "wasted", as Dean would say and still failed to see  
anything funny in it. Then it struck me what I had just said to her, and I felt a laugh welling up. She continued to giggle and I  
finally convulsed with laughter. I felt a huge release of the tension in my body that felt really good. "Now doesn't that feel better  
than throwing stuff?" I had to agree as I laid back and closed my eyes still chuckling softly. Apparently Dean had been telling  
stories of our times together. Maybe all was not lost? I had little time to think about it as sleep overtook me. I was so very tired.


	4. The Long Road Back

**The Long Road Back**

I didn't wake up until the next morning, feeling much better after a full night's sleep. I looked around and only Risa was there.  
"Good Morning, sleepy head" she said smiling. "I sent the other girls to stay in my cabin. After yesterday I realized that all those  
people in here all the time must have been too stressful. We'll rotate in and out to help you take care of things, but we'll try to  
have as few people in here as possible." My foot felt strange and I looked down to see it up on the pile of pillows again, but this  
time with one of the bags of blue crystals on it. It felt cold. "That's a chemical ice pack. It doesn't need a refrigerator to be cold.  
We can make do with those if Dean won't crank the generator for us." I failed to see how some random blue crystals could  
create cold, but then I guess humans sometimes failed to see how blood, holy water, myrrh, and an obscure Enochian invocation  
once told me where another angel was.

"I'll go get someone to help me get you to the bathroom." I'll be back in a few minutes. I sunk back into my pillows, relishing the  
first time I had been alone in days. I looked at my foot again and winced as I wiggled my toes slightly, but it didn't hurt as much  
this time. Things were looking up. I was still helpless, but at least the pain was not as bad. I remembered the pills I had secreted  
under the covers yesterday and felt for them, closing my hand around the familiar shape. I opened the bottle and looked inside,  
but something stopped me from taking any. They had been keeping me rather well medicated, so I didn't want to waste them.  
I leaned over the side of the bed nearest the wall and tucked them back under the mattress. At least I could get them if I needed  
them. I realized I had no idea what Risa did with the rest.

Risa returned just as I turned back to face the door and looked at me suspiciously but didn't say anything. She brought the older  
lady from my harem, Liz, I think her name is_. I really should know her name if I'm having orgies with her shouldn't I?_ I looked at Risa  
with a question in my eyes and she sighed and pointedly said,"Kathy, you take the right and I'll take the left." I wasn't even close!  
I should show them some respect. I smiled as I remembered the look on Dean's face when I said that to him that night in Bobby's  
house, and laughed. "What is so funny?" asked Risa. "You had to be there." I said as it dawned on me what Dean and Sam had  
meant when they said that to me several times over the years.

They started to help me with the covers and I waved them off. I wanted to do at least this much by myself. I threw back the  
covers and used my hands to gently lower my bad leg to the bed. It hurt, but I wasn't going to let that bother me. I moved  
my legs over to the side of the bed and then let my feet down slowly to the floor. I promptly felt a wave of nausea when it felt  
like all the blood in my body rushed to my broken foot. I gasped in pain, but I was determined I wasn't going to cry again.  
Unfortunately I didn't seem to be in control of that as I felt the tears welling up again. As they spilled onto my cheeks my  
shoulders sagged and I buried my face in my hands, utterly defeated by something as simple as getting out of bed.

Risa sat down beside me and started rubbing my back. It felt good, but the tears kept coming. "Come on Cas, we'll get you  
cleaned up and you'll feel much better." She stood up, bent over and instructed me to put my arms around her neck. I did so  
and she slipped her arms around my waist and said, "OK, now Just stand up when I do." I felt her pull away and stood up,  
careful not to touch my throbbing foot to the floor. "Thank you Risa, that was much easier." Although my girls had good intentions,  
they were much less adept at getting me upright, often resulting in an awkward tumble back on the bed in the past few days.  
"I learned that taking care of my Gram. I'll teach them so it won't be so hard on you."

Risa and Kathy each took an arm and pulled them around their shoulders. Risa said," Now instead of hopping, let us take all  
of your weight and just swing your good leg forward. I did so and found it so much easier. We made our way into the small  
bathroom and Risa asked if I wanted to try to do it myself. I thought about it a second. I really wanted to, but I wasn't sure  
I could. I nodded my head even though I really wasn't sure and they left the room after leaving me propped with my arms on  
the sink.

I looked in the mirror and almost didn't recognize the man staring back at me. My normal "designer stubble", as I had often  
heard people refer to it, was now a full on beard. I never had to worry about it when I was an Angel. It always looked just  
as it had the night Jimmy said "Yes." Balancing carefully on my good leg I turned the water on and felt it start to run warm  
over my hand. Dean had apparently run the generator last night or it would have been cold. I wet the washcloth Risa had  
laid out for me and held it on my face letting the warmth wash over me.

Looking down I noticed a small can of shaving cream sitting on the sink. Normally this was not a luxury we were afforded in  
the post apocalyptic world, so Risa must have sweet talked Chuck into giving it to her. I really didn't feel like shaving, but if  
Risa had gone to that much trouble I felt like I should. I covered my face with the white foam as Dean had shown me when  
it became apparent that I was becoming human and began pulling the razor up my neck. It seemed to take forever and my  
good leg was beginning to shake with tiredness from holding all of my weight. After wiping the remnants of the foam away  
I could see several places I had nicked, but the small pain from them was nothing compared to the dull ache beginning to  
spread in my foot.

I pulled my sweatpants down, being careful not to fall and sat on the toilet, realizing that this was the first time I had been  
in here by myself in more than a week. I sat there longer than I really needed to, but my leg was so tired from standing up  
to shave that I just didn't have the strength to stand back up. I pulled my pants back up and worked then up to my waist  
without trying to stand up. I really wanted a shower since we had hot water, but I wasn't really sure how to manage it.  
I sat there dejectedly trying to decide what to do, contemplating the pattern of old stains on the wooden floor.

"Cas? Are you OK in there?" I heard Risa say from the other side of the door. It occurred to me that I hadn't made any noise  
in quite some time. She was probably worried. "Yes, I'm fine. Can you come in please?" She opened the door and smiled as  
she saw my now clean shaven face. "I see you found my little present." I smiled back tiredly. "Yes, thank you I feel better now,  
but I really want to take a shower." Can you help me? I'm afraid I will fall." She cast her eyes down looking slightly embarrassed,  
and I realized that all of my previous bathroom helpers had been my "girls". Risa had never seen me naked, and didn't appear to  
want to. "I'm sorry", I said returning my eyes to study the floor, not able to look at her. "It just didn't occur to me that you weren't  
one of the ones that had been helping me. Somehow I just don't want them near me right now."

"I understand" Risa said, "but why is it me you want with you?" "I-I don't really know. You've just been so quietly strong for me  
when everyone else was fawning all over me and making things worse. I just feel safer with you." I raised my eyes to hers and  
fixed her with what I hoped were Sam Winchester worthy "puppy dog" eyes. I may not have known as much as I should about  
being human, but I was well aware of the effect that the unusually blue eyes of my chosen vessel had on women. She looked  
away slightly embarrassed and mumbled under her breath something I couldn't quite hear, something about "pools" and "drowning".  
"I assure you we won't drown in the shower." I said and she laughed, breaking the tension in the room. I once again wasn't sure  
why that was funny, but I didn't ask this time.

"Tell you what" she said. Let me get Kathy back in here so we can get you back in bed to elevate and ice that foot for a bit and  
I'll figure out something for the shower. I looked down at my forgotten foot at that point and saw that it had begun swelling  
again, the bandage constricting rather painfully. At that moment a sharp pain shot up my leg and I doubled over nearly falling  
off the toilet. She reached out to steady me, and an involuntary "Shit" escaped my lips. "For a former Angel you sure do have a  
dirty mouth!" "Dean's influence, I guess." I sighed.

My foot was really starting to bother me as Risa and Kathy helped me maneuver back to the bed, but I was getting the hang  
of moving about as Risa had taught me this morning. I sat back on the bed and pulled my leg up to rest on the pillows again  
and she applied the ice pack. I noticed that it wasn't once of the chemical ones but real ice. _"How did she get Dean to crank the  
generator", _I wondered. I took a deep breath and sank as deeply into the pillows as I could, trying to relax. My good leg was  
really tired and achy from what little I had done. I felt better, but how was I going to survive 5 more weeks…more than a month  
or more like this?

Apparently sleep had taken me rather quickly since the next thing I knew Risa was shaking me awake and I could smell food  
nearby. "Rise and shine…time for Breakfast!" I shifted to a sitting position and a tray appeared out of nowhere to settle in  
front of me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Scrambled Eggs, a piece of bacon, and toast along with Orange juice sat  
in the tray along with a small spray of the little purple wildflowers that were blooming down at the creek. "H-how did you get  
this?" I said, as I thought back to the last time I had even seen eggs. We had a few chickens in the camp, but they were only  
enough to supply our fearless leader and his chosen few. Orange juice was unheard of! Shaving cream, hot water, ice, and  
now this? "Let's just say I called in a few favors and leave it at that." Risa said quietly, averting her eyes. _ What had she done  
to get all of this for me?_ I wondered.

Even though I wasn't used to eating so much I ate every bite, not wanting to waste any of the favors Risa had called in. I  
didn't ask again since she didn't seem to be open to discussing it, but I would find out somehow. I didn't like the haunted  
look on her face. I finished eating and set the tray away from me. Kathy came over to take it away, looking at me longingly,  
but I couldn't seem to return the favor. What was wrong with me? Just a week ago I had been in this very room cavorting  
with no less than 6 women.

"You ready for that shower now?" Risa asked and winked at me for some reason. I still didn't understand the purpose of  
this strange human gesture. It seemed to depend on the circumstances or the person giving the wink. In Dean's case the  
intended target was usually a girl he wanted to have sex with. One of Jimmy's memories rose up and I could see Amelia  
winking at me as Claire talked about what she wanted for Christmas. That certainly had nothing to do with sex. I gave up  
trying to figure out what Risa's meant because I really wanted that shower.

I started to get up, forgetting my foot for a moment, and the pain sliced through me sharp as an Angel Dagger as it fell off  
the pillows once again and the ice bag fell on top. I curled into a fetal position hugging my knees to my chest begging silently  
for the pain to go away. "Oh Cas!" Risa called from across the room and she rushed to my side and started rubbing my back  
again. Pain or no pain I could get used to that. Once the pain had subsided I sat up and groaned at the thought of swinging  
my feet to the floor. Risa got up and slipped her hands under my legs and said, "We'll go slowly this time so maybe it won't  
hurt so much." Kneeling on the floor she guided my feet to the floor slowly and the rush of blood to it didn't hurt as much this time.

I sat there watching as she got up and began to remove her shirt revealing a multicolored garment underneath. I recalled a visit  
to the beach once with Dean and Sam a long time ago where the humans were wearing what they called "swimsuits". She  
opened the bag at my feet and threw an even more garishly colored garment in my lap. I held it up and she said, "Swim trunks!"  
My eyes widened as I realized that how she had solved our little problem. "Good thinking", I said. She unwrapped my foot gently  
so the bandage wouldn't get wet and motioned Kathy over and they got me up and we worked our way back to the bathroom.  
"You put those on and I'll be back in a second after I get the rest of my clothes off."

She closed the door and I leaned on the sink using my arms to get myself to a seated position on the toilet. I worked my pants  
down and discarded them to the side as I pulled the swim trunks on. The effort of doing that was nearly all I could take. I was  
so tired again, but I really wanted to be clean. I pulled my shirt off over my head and threw it on top of the sweatpants, breathing  
hard from this simple exertion. Risa knocked softly on the door and said, "Are you decent?" "Um yes, I always try to be why do  
you ask?" I heard her laugh and she said, "No I meant…nevermind…do you have the swim trunks on?" "Yes, what does being  
decent have to do with having clothes on?" She opened the door and gave me a look that told me I was missing something again.  
"I'll explain later, now let's get this show on the road." I opened my mouth to ask what the road had to do with it and she gave me  
a patented Dean eye roll that told me I should just shut up. She was carrying a chair from out in my room and set it in the shower.  
"The water may ruin it, but it will have to do for now."

She turned the water on to let it get warm, and bent down to help me stand. I put my arms around her neck and we rose. There  
was a 4 inch sill around the base of the shower and I looked at it wondering how I was supposed to get over it. Castiel, former  
Angel of the Lord was scared of a little 4 inch high wall! She saw my look of fear and tightened her grip on my waist. "I'm just going  
to lower you onto the chair from out here and then I can help you get your feet in." I felt really stupid that I couldn't see that. If  
it were up to me to figure it out we'd have still been here several days from now.

I leaned heavily on her and hopped the small distance to the chair and she lowered me onto it, kneeling to gently help me get  
my feet in as the water began to pour over me. She was getting wet too, but didn't seem the care. She handed me the washcloth  
and soap, and I noticed it was a new bar…not the little sliver that was all I had before everything happened. _How many favors did  
she call in?_ I leaned back in the chair and let the water fall wash over my hair wetting it before I started up with the soap. Risa  
stopped me and handed me a small bottle of shampoo…another thing I hadn't seen in quite some time.

I tried to find her eyes with mine, but she looked away. "Risa, look at me please? How did you get all these things for me? I know  
they are difficult if not impossible to come by." She turned away and sighed, "You don't want to know. Please don't ask." I reached  
out and grasped her hand and pulled her around to face me. "Why would you do this for me? We barely know each other except  
for going out on missions." She still refused to look at me, but said in a small voice, "Because I watched Dean break you. All you did  
for him and he treats the stray dogs that show up better than he does you! I let it happen too. There were many times I could have  
talked to him and didn't. I just feel a responsibility for you because I stood back and watched it happen."

She was too far away for me to reach now, so I pulled out my best commanding "Castiel, Angel of the Lord" voice and said "Risa,  
you could not have stopped it anymore than I could stop Dean from becoming the man he is today. I was broken long before long  
before Dean did anything. He just helped me become the man…the human…that I was always meant to be. I had unwavering faith  
in my Father, and when I found out he didn't care enough to stop all of this from happening that's what broke me. Not Dean."

She turned to look at me then, "I couldn't have helped?" "No", I said quietly, "but thank you for trying now. Whatever you did  
to get all these things for me, just stop. I can get through this. I'd still like it if you came to help me though. I feel safer with you.  
We can talk more later if you'd like, but right now I need to finish my shower before the hot water runs out?" I smiled at her  
hoping to break the tension and she relaxed. "Oh my God, I completely forgot! I'm sorry"! she said and proceed to leave the room  
so I could bathe in peace. "Just call me when you are done?"

I washed my hair enjoying the warm water running over my face and then worked my way over the rest of me ending at my  
broken foot. I could see now that it was unwrapped that it at least looked a little more like an actual foot and the bruise was  
now a more bluish than purple color with sickly green edges. It wasn't throbbing quite as much as it had before. I turned off  
the water and began to shiver as the warmth retreated. "Risa, I'm done." I called and realized that I couldn't reach the towel.  
"She came in and handed me the towel and said, "I'm sorry I should have left it where you could get to it. " I reached out for  
her hand and took it in both of mine and said, "Risa stop apologizing. You are doing much more for me than you know." I ran  
the towel over myself and hung it on the bar inside the shower. She helped me up and then left me alone to put on clean  
underwear, t-shirt and sweatpants. Kathy was changing the sheets, and I hoped she wouldn't dislodge my stash in doing  
so. After they got me back to the bed I slept the sleep of the dead. A shower that would normally take me 5 minutes had  
taken nearly an hour and I was exhausted.


	5. Cas on a Crutch!

**Cas on a Crutch!**

The next few days went by quickly as we settled into a routine. I wasn't really sure when Risa was sleeping since she was  
always there when I was awake, but nothing more was said about the favors she had called in and no more surprises  
showed up except for the flowers she continued to put on my meal trays. I did notice that less and less pain medication  
was being given to me and I began to feel really jumpy. The swelling had gone down in my foot, but the least movement  
sent shooting pains up my leg. I was beginning to think that it would be easier to take my shotgun from under the bed  
and blow it off than to stand this pain unmedicated.

I was considering the bottle of pills under the mattress when I saw Steve outside talking to Risa. He knocked on the  
frame of the door and I motioned him in. He left something outside I couldn't see and came in with a large box of medical  
supplies. "I have good news and bad news", he said grinning wickedly. I tilted my head and looked at him not understanding  
why bad news would make him smile so.

"We lucked out at the Medical Supply place and they had some fiberglass casting." He said. "Is that the good news or the bad  
and what exactly is fiberglass casting?" I said. "That's the good news. The casting will immobilize your foot so you can heal faster  
and not be in so much pain." And the bad?" I prompted. "The only color they had was pink!" I failed to see why that was bad news  
and just looked at him quizzically. "Well, typically only little girls want pink…it's not exactly a manly color." I could tell he was  
disappointed that his "bad news" didn't faze me, so I feigned a look of indignation as best I could. He patted my leg and told  
Risa to go get a bowl of water.

Unwrapping the bandage he started his probing and I felt the sharp pains again. I wiggled my toes for him and he seemed  
satisfied that things were still progressing nicely. Pushing up my pants leg he pulled my leg over the edge of the bed and  
began to pull a long tube of white material up my leg. After that he began wrapping it with some kind of padding. Risa came  
back with the water and he pulled out several foil packages from the box. "Cas, I'm going to have to put your foot in the correct  
position to heal now and it is really going to hurt. I'm sorry, but we have to do this. Risa I'll need you to hold it steady once I move it."

He moved to stand directly in front of me and took my foot in his hands, pushing up on the ball of my foot while holding the  
broken bones in place. Waves of nausea overtook me as the pain shot up my leg, and I had to find the trash can again…wrenching  
my foot from Steve's hand painfully. _Please, Father I don't want to be human anymore. The pain is too much! _I prayed, knowing full  
well that doing so was useless. Tears welled up again and I sobbed, not able to move for fear of bringing on more pain. When I  
finally summoned the strength to move I reached out blindly and grabbed the nearest solid object and threw it across the room in  
frustration. I glared at Steve and Risa and started to yell, "Just shoot me, I don't want to do this anymore! And would somebody  
_please_ give me some fucking drugs?" In case you haven't noticed I am in _pain_!"

I turned towards the wall and sighed, having no more strength in my body to fight. Risa reached out to touch my back and I flinched  
away, not wanting anyone to touch me. I just wanted to die. No matter how much things seemed to progress there was always  
something like this to set things back. I just couldn't do it anymore. I found myself wishing Raphael would appear and blow me to  
pieces again once and for all.

Steve and Risa retreated to the porch and started talking and hushed tones. They didn't sound very pleased with this turn of  
events and I began to worry that they would actually do what I asked. I didn't really want to die; I just wanted the pain and  
helplessness to stop. I wanted to go for a walk, tend the garden behind my cabin, anything to just feel normal again. _Hell, I'd  
be satisfied to get just get out of this room!_ I thought.

Steve came back into the room and grasped my shoulder roughly, turning me towards him. "I've tried to be nice about this,  
but I don't have time to waste on your temper tantrums, it's just a goddamn broken foot for Christ's sake, now suck it up and  
act like a man!" I saw his fist clench and shrank away from him thinking he was going to hit me. I started to say I didn't know  
_how_ to act like a man since I hadn't been one all that long, but I posited that would just make things worse.

He turned away and I realized I now understood exactly what a temper tantrum was and mentally ticked off one more thing  
that made me more human…no make that two…I hadn't even flinched when he blasphemed. "Please, help me Steve. I don't  
know how to do this." I sighed and laid my head back in the pillow in resignation. My Father was gone, Dean might as well be  
and I was alienating the only people I had left in the world to help me. _"I am royally screwed.", _I thought dejectedly using the  
phrase I had heard Dean use many times.

He took a deep breath and turned back to me, sitting down on the bed. "I'm sorry Cas, you just have to understand that this  
is going to hurt, but I promise when we get through this your foot will feel much better and you will be able to get up and  
around easier with out worrying about hurting it. I've also got a surprise for you outside if you'll be a good boy and let us do this?"  
I sat up and nodded my head. Steeling myself for the pain to come I grabbed the sides of the mattress and let him take my foot.

He pushed my foot into position again and I locked the sides of the mattress in a death grip. I screamed as the pain knifed  
through me, but didn't flinch as he handed my foot off to Risa. He opened the packet and dipped the pink roll of material in  
the bowl of water and began to rapidly wrap it around my foot. Once the first roll was on I was already beginning to feel some  
relief and relaxed my grip a bit. I could feel the material begin to harden and I could feel the warmth generated as it did. It felt  
kind of nice.

He worked quickly, wrapping additional rolls until he reached my knee, folding down the padding and wrapping the end over it.  
I forgot the pain, watching in fascination as he finished up by folding back the padding around my toes and wrapping another  
roll on top. Although the dull ache was still there, the sharp pain was gone and I experimentally wiggled my toes. "Ouch" I said  
quietly and Steve smiled. "Now just rest a bit while it hardens and we'll see about that surprise." I lay back as he placed my foot  
back on the pile of pillows and took a deep breath. I looked down at my foot now encased in pink. I actually liked the pink…it  
reminded me of the delicate pink Ladyslippers that would be blooming down near the creek later on in the summer. _I wonder  
if I'll even be able to get down there and see them this year? _I thought sadly. I really wanted to take Risa to see them.

As if in answer to my question Steve appeared again carrying something I vaguely remembered seeing humans use to get  
around. I had never given much thought to them, seeing as I was an Angel and could heal myself. "Let's see if we can get  
you up and around on these crutches now." He said. I looked at them apprehensively. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this!  
I pulled my foot down from the pillows and was surprised at the lack of pain, but as soon as it started towards the floor  
the blood rushed to it and it started throbbing again. I groaned, not wanting to get up if it made my foot hurt like that,  
but Steve was already reaching to help me up. Once I was standing he put one under my arm and then made some  
adjustments to both and gave the other one to me.

"This should be easy since Risa has already taught you the proper technique." Just put them out in front of you and  
swing your good leg through. I did as I was instructed and managed to take a wobbly step. It was harder than I thought  
it would be, but I kept working at it and made it all the way to the door. I parted the beads and looked outside longingly;  
it seemed like years since I had left this room! I just stood there leaning heavily on the crutches for a few minutes until  
Steve interrupted my reverie.

"OK now let's not do too much this first time, you'll still need to keep it elevated as much as possible, and you may still  
need to ice it especially after you've been up for a while." I wasn't sure exactly how to turn around, but I managed to  
get myself pointed in the other direction. I started toward the bed and remembered I needed the bathroom so I moved  
to my right to get to the bathroom and promptly ended up on the floor. Some water from the bowl had spilled and I had  
managed to slip in it. Risa came running and I just sat there glaring at the crutches as if it was their fault. "I'm so sorry,  
Cas! I'll get that cleaned up so it won't happen again.

I really wasn't sure what to do now. How was I supposed to get up? Steve just looked at me offering no help so I pulled  
myself up using the hand grips and managed to get myself upright again. "Good job, Cas! You'll be an expert in no time!".  
I felt it was hardly a noble aspiration to be an expert at crutches, but I guess I was going to have to learn. I carefully  
made my way to the bathroom watching for the least little thing on the floor that might make me slip. In addition to a  
throbbing foot I now had a throbbing hip and elbow from where they made contact with the floor. How much more damage  
could I do to myself?

The door was closed and Risa ran to get it for me, but I waved her off. I had to figure these things out if I was going to  
spend the next month dependent on these wretched things. I opened the door but it swung back and I reached out to  
stop it only to nearly fall again. I had to go sideways through the door since it wasn't very wide, but I made it. I stopped  
at the sink and wet the washcloth and held it over my face or a second and then took care of business not caring that  
the door was wide open. As I made my way back I realized that for the first time in more than a week I had done something  
entirely on my own!

"OK", Steve said. "I better get going. You still need to stay off it and keep it elevated as much as possible, but at least now  
you don't constantly need someone here to help." I thanked him and turned to the bed, resting the crutches against the  
wall and then fell heavily onto the bed. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was just from a few minutes of this. How was I  
ever going to cope for many more weeks? After Steve left Risa came over and sat down on the bed beside me. She didn't  
say anything so I reached for her hand and took it in mine. "Thank you for helping me so much. I think I can manage by  
myself tonight if you want to take some time for yourself." She looked at me and I could see that she looked as exhausted  
as I was. "Now go!" I said in my in my best "Castiel, Angel of the Lord" voice and she smiled and got up to leave. "Are you  
sure?" she said. "Yes, I'll be fine."


	6. Learning the Ropes

**Learning the Ropes**

I woke up and could tell it was right before dawn. My body ached from my fall yesterday, but my foot felt pretty good.  
I sat up and lowered my foot to the floor slowly and it didn't throb quite so bad. Maybe things were getting better. I  
grabbed my crutches and made my way to the bathroom. After I shaved and took care of business I decided to go out  
on the porch and watch the sunrise. I got to the end of the porch and realized I had no idea how to navigate stairs,  
so I grabbed the rail and used it to lower myself to sit on the edge. I dangled my feet over, enjoying the small amount  
freedom I had regained since yesterday. Most of the camp was still asleep, so I just sat there soaking up the quiet morning.

The Apocalypse had taken many things from us, but one thing it had given back was beautiful sunrises and sunsets…a  
result of the smoke and ash in the atmosphere from all the fires and destruction. This morning was no exception. As the  
sun burst forth over trees I was rewarded with a beautiful yellow wash across the sky tinged with deeper golds, reds  
and purples. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of the sun on my face. It was warm and comforting, almost like the  
hand of my Father once was.

I was snatched from my reverie by the sound of my crutches slipping along the rail and colliding with my head. I jerked  
back involuntarily and they clattered down the steps, coming to rest at the bottom. "This is certainly a predicament",  
I said and gazed down at them wondering what to do now. A pair of boots appeared at the edge of my vision and I  
looked up to meet Risa's eyes. "You seem to have gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle.", she said grinning broadly.  
"What does my current situation have to do with a food item that goes on a sandwich? " I said, confused. She laughed  
and said, "Dear sweet Cas, you still have a lot to learn don't you?" A "pickle" is a bad situation, a predicament? Got it?"  
I nodded and wondered if I would ever learn all of these idioms I was constantly bombarded with.

"Let's go back inside. I've brought your breakfast and after you eat we can come back out and I'll teach you how to do  
the stairs." I swung my feet back over the edge and pulled myself up using the rail as she carried my crutches up the  
stairs and handed them to me. "You have to watch these things, they'll bite!" I nodded and rubbed the small lump  
forming on my head where they had hit me. She sat my breakfast out on the small table in the corner and pulled up  
two chairs. "Maybe eating properly at the table will make you feel like things are getting back to normal?"

She sat down with me at the table and watched me eat in silence. When I was finished, she said "I'll put a chair out  
on the porch for you and see if I can find an old crate or something so you can prop your foot up." "That sounds nice",  
I said. "I'd really like to get out of this room more.". "OK, you get back in bed and rest and I'll be back later." I got up,  
forgetting momentarily that I needed to get my crutches and took a step with my bad foot. The fiberglass slid on the  
wooden floor and I fell hard, hitting my head on the table as I went down. Tears welled up and I started to cry again.

Risa bent to help me up and I just sat there, sobbing. "Cas, you know this is sort of a good thing?" I looked up at her  
and wondered how falling flat on my ass again could be a good thing, and she said, "You forgot about your foot, that  
means it is hurting less!" "Oh!" I said. I suppose she was right but it still felt rather humiliating to be splayed out on  
the floor yet again. She helped me up and gave me the crutches and I sighed wishing I could just take the three steps  
to the bed without the infernal things.

I made it to the bed and propped the crutches against the wall, double checking to make sure they wouldn't fall on me  
again. Such simple devices, yet there were so many things I had to remember about using them. _I must look like a  
complete idiot, since I've managed to fall AND get hit in the head twice in the last 24 hours. _I thought. I sat heavily on  
the bed and let out a huge sigh. Risa smiled and put her hand on my shoulder, but didn't say anything. I put my  
hand on top of hers in silent thanks. I turned and crawled under the covers and was asleep before I knew it.

A soft knock on the door woke me and I turned over to see several of my girls standing in the doorway. I smiled  
and motioned them in. They came to sit round the bed, and gazed longingly at me. I guess I did miss all the attention  
a little bit. I sat up, swinging my feet onto the floor and they began to caress the pink cast and massage my legs. It  
felt really good. Risa chose that moment to reappear and looked away embarrassed. "It's OK, Risa, they are just giving  
my legs a needed massage." She seemed unconvinced, but came in anyway. I guess she wasn't impressed by my  
expositions on the Great Mosaic Eye. She never would be I guess, she's not a follower, she's a leader and so very  
different than the girls that follow me around blindly like some cult leader.

"I was just going to teach you how to get up and down the steps if you wanted, but it can wait if you are busy." I  
motioned the girls away and one of them reached over and handed me the crutches almost genuflecting as she did  
so. Risa rolled her eyes and I looked away pretending I didn't see. I suppose the girls filled a void for me, giving me  
a purpose when there was nothing else I could really do? I'd have to do some thinking bout that, maybe talk to Risa  
about it?

I went over to Risa, the rubber tips on the crutches making squeaking sounds on the floor. I guess stealth was out  
of the question until I could get off them. We went to the edge of the porch and I looked down. It seemed awfully  
far down, considering my stellar performance so far. I could hear a group of men standing with Dean across the way  
they were laughing about something. I heard the word "pink"…it was me they were laughing at! "Ignore them, they  
are just being juvenile." said Risa. I did notice that Dean was just standing there; he at least wasn't joining in.

"OK, now put both of them under your left arm together; use the rail in your right hand. That way you won't have to  
worry so much about losing your balance. Going down crutches first then foot, going up it's the other way around."  
This was getting way too complicated for me! I put them down on the next step and took a death grip on the rail,  
as I didn't want to fall with all those guys watching me. My good foot made the small hop down and I didn't fall. I  
continued down the stairs slowly and could hear the guys giggling to whole time, but they had turned their backs  
at least since Risa glared at them until they did. When I made it to the bottom I was exhausted.

Risa said, "Hang on to the rail. I'll be right back." I gave her a quizzical look as she took one of my crutches.  
She walked quietly over to the group and yelled "_Hey_!" They all turned around at once and she promptly  
whacked the closest guy in the kneecaps with it. "See how you like it!"

I collapsed on the bottom step laughing as they all scattered, leaving the poor guy writhing on the ground  
holding his knees screaming "Shit, she broke my damn kneecap_!" Well, at least I'm not the only one I camp  
that is unable to walk properly now. _The only person that didn't move was Dean; he just glared at Risa then  
me, then turned and went into his cabin.

Risa came back and I just looked at her until she started laughing. "You are going to be in big trouble for that." I said.  
"Probably, but it was worth it! OK now we need to get you back up there.", she said pointing to the top of the stairs.  
I turned to look up and the steps seemed as high as Mount Everest. Down seemed much easier in retrospect. She  
helped me to stand and I worked my way up trying to remember her instructions. I didn't err until the last step  
when I missed the step with the crutches and nearly fell over backwards. I would have if she hadn't been there.  
At least no one was watching at that point.


	7. The Big Mistake

**The Big Mistake**

I saw that she had placed a chair on the porch as promised and I sank down into it, too tired to go any further.  
She went inside and got a pillow and pulled the out the crate she had found to put it on. I pulled my foot up on  
it wearily and sank back in the chair. She brought one of the other chairs back out and sat down beside me.

We sat in silence for a while and then I broke it with a question. "My relationship with my girls bothers you doesn't  
it?" May I ask why?" She sighed and looked away saying "It just seems like such a shallow relationship for all of you.  
You deserve better, and so do they." I suppose she was right, but I wasn't ready to admit that so asked another  
question. "Don't you deserve better than Dean? He treats you nearly as bad as he does me and I know what he  
asked of you when you were trying to get things for me. It was written all over your face, but I didn't want to say  
anything. This Dean will never be that man for you. He is as broken as I am." Neither of us said anything else. It  
was clear that each of us in our own way was broken…it was a stalemate.

I contemplated my plight in the silence, thinking back to a time when the broken bones in my foot would have  
healed immediately. It seemed like someone else's life now. My shoulders twitched as I tried to recall taking flight,  
but I only seemed to be able to do that in my dreams now. I was truly "grounded", unable to do much of anything.  
I couldn't even help on missions as a driver since it was my right foot that was injured. I wondered if Dean would  
kick me out of camp if my foot didn't heal correctly. Steve had said that there was really no way to tell without x-rays.  
An involuntary sigh escaped as I thought about the possibility that I would be left forever as a limping shell of my  
former self.

Risa reached out and took my hand as if she knew what I was thinking. The touch was nice, but I needed more.  
I looked at her and she seemed to understand, she got up and knelt down beside my chair and wrapped her  
arms around me resting her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head, and laid mine on top of hers.  
It felt good to have human contact that wasn't necessary for holding me upright or getting me from one place  
to another.

We sat that way for a few minutes and then she said, "Cas, you are going to get through this, but I don't know  
how much longer Dean will let me help. He needs me out on missions and he's getting tired of me running off to  
you every chance I get." I took a deep breath and hugged her tighter to me; I would miss this. "I know", I said.  
"I can't keep depending on you when I've got other people that can help me, and anyway you've taught me all  
I need to know about getting around. I'll be fine."

She got up to leave and I got up as well, wanting more than anything to get to my bed and sleep. I had only been  
up an hour and it felt like I had been doing battle with Angels for days. She touched my arm as I turned to go inside  
and I turned back to see her lips rushing to meet mine. My crutches clattered to the floor as I reached around her,  
pulling her close and returning the kiss with all the energy I had. I knew this was a mistake, and she probably did  
too, but I needed it…she needed it. She walked and I hopped to the bed and we crashed into it like it was a cool  
lake on a hot day, covering each other with kisses.

Removing my shirt she turned me over and began to massage my back, taking time to find the knots and kiss each  
one gently. My shoulders were so tired from all the work they did this morning and the release of tension washed  
over me like a tidal wave. I moaned and turned back to face her, ripping her shirt off without undoing the buttons.  
My eyes met hers and we both laughed when I saw she was wearing a pink bra. I wondered if it was a conscious  
decision on her part to wear that on this particular day.

She worked my sweatpants down and stopped at my toes sticking out of the pink cast to kiss each one and then  
worked her way up my legs massaging them as she went. All the orgies and all the women and it had never felt  
like this! I sat up and unbuttoned her jeans, pulling then down and kissing her all the way down as I did so. We  
made love slowly and gently…the feeling it gave me was something I had never experienced before. Sex was  
something I knew about from all the orgies, but this was something different…tender and caring.

As we lay there afterwards she nestled up against me, laying her head on my chest and listening to my heartbeat.  
I stroked her hair absently, thinking that although this was the best thing to happen to me lately it wasn't going to  
last. She sighed and sat up as if she were thinking the same thing. Our eyes met and she said, "Thank you Cas,  
it's been a long time since I've been with someone that was so gentle and cared about me instead of just getting off."  
It surprised me that I had given her something she wanted as well: I thought I was the only one getting something  
special.

Neither of us had anymore time to think about it as we heard someone coming up the steps. She looked frantic.  
I pointed to the floor on the other side of the bed and she ducked down there just in time for me to see Dean  
coming in the door. "Where the hell is Risa, Cas? I saw her come in here!" "I-I don't know. I was asleep."  
I said, not able to think of anything else to say. I was still so bad at lying! "Well you tell her to get her ass  
back over to my cabin if you see her. You are NOT helpless and you don't need her with you every second  
of the day! It's just a damn broken foot man, suck it up!" He turned on his heel and left muttering under  
his breath something about "fucking wuss". It was a term I wasn't familiar with, but I knew it wasn't nice.

I waited until I was sure he had gone and looked over to see Risa burst into tears. "Oh Cas, What have I  
done? I'm sure he knew I was here!" I reached out my hand to comfort her, but she jerked away and started  
gathering her clothes and putting them back on hastily. "I'm so sorry Cas, but this can't happen again." I  
sighed and nodded my head knowing she was right, but not wanting it to be true. I needed something more  
than my girls and I knew it, but this wasn't going to be it. "Goodbye, Risa." I said, knowing that it would be  
the last time we spoke for a very long time.

Risa ran out the door, not noticing that my forgotten crutches were still lying on the porch outside. I wondered  
how she missed them, and then how I was going to retrieve them. I got out of bed, pulling on my sweatpants  
quickly, and hopped on my good foot until I got to the door. I could hear voices outside so I leaned against the  
door frame to listen. "I KNOW what you were doing in there; I can smell him all over you!" Dean yelled. "Dean,  
I'm sorry it just happened." Risa said. "He was so hurt and alone and I just couldn't help myself." I peeked  
through the beads and saw that they were standing not far from the bottom of the steps. He had been waiting  
for her! He grabbed her arm roughly and started walking towards his cabin dragging her along with him.

I let myself slide to the floor and sat there, knowing I should do something, but by the time I could get up and  
get down the stairs they would be gone. Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought that I could not do anything  
to help her, and I began to sob violently. I cried until there were no more tears, and then just sat there not really  
knowing what to do.

Too exhausted to get up, I crawled out onto the porch to retrieve my crutches, after making sure no one would  
be watching. I shoved them as hard as I could into the room in frustration, and they came to rest on the far side  
of the room. _That's just great you idiot, now you'll have to crawl all the way over there to get them._ I thought. I really  
didn't care at this point, I just wanted my bed. Crawling over to it I could see the huge wet spot in the middle and  
groaned at the thought of sleeping in the soiled sheets, it would be just another reminder of things I couldn't have.

I made my way around the bed to the other side and pulled out the bottle of pills that had been there since that first  
day. Risa had weaned me off the drugs so gradually that I hadn't thought about them in days, but here they were my  
hand. I opened the bottle and looked inside, knowing that I was making a huge mistake, but at that point I didn't  
really care. Downing two of them I lay down on the floor and waited for them to take effect. Risa, Dean, and my  
foot were quickly forgotten as I slipped into an all too familiar haze.


	8. Status Quo Ante

**S****tatus Quo Ante**

How long I was there I didn't know, but when I woke up it was dark. I was stiff from lying on the floor,  
as well as very hungry and needing the bathroom badly. My head was still fuzzy and I knew that standing  
up was a really bad idea, so I crawled again across to the bathroom and pulled myself up to sit on the toilet.  
I reached to my right, opening the door to the linen closet. There in the very back under a pile of old clothes,  
was another stash that Dean hadn't found, a nearly full bottle of Absinthe. I raised it to my lips and drank  
way more than I should have, especially since I was still high.

The next morning I woke up on the floor of the bathroom, and instantly had to make a dive for the toilet,  
throwing up violently until there was nothing left. I laid my head against the cool floor and fell asleep again  
almost immediately. I dreamed for the first time I could remember in a long time. I was taking flight, the feel  
the air rushing through my wings making me giddy with laughter. I flew to Heaven and looked down on the  
world as I had many millennia ago, no pain, no hurt, just wonder at my Father's Creation. I didn't want to  
leave, but someone had come up behind me and started shaking my shoulder. As I turned to see who it was,  
I realized it was just a dream and opened my eyes just enough to see Kathy standing over me.

"Cas, you need to wake up! What have you done to yourself?" she said, sounding worried. "I-I don't know."  
I said, even though I knew full well what I had done. She got me up off the floor and handed me my crutches,  
but I wasn't really sure I could even stand there in my current condition. I was tired, even though I had been  
sleeping for most of a day, and hungry. "Let's get you cleaned up." Kathy said. I nodded realizing that I had  
puked all over myself and smelled awful. The smell turned my stomach and I retched, but there was nothing  
left to bring up.

I was just too tired to shower, so Kathy cleaned me up as best she could and got me back to bed. I noticed  
she had changed the sheets and I was glad of that, but the bed seemed empty without Risa. I crawled under  
the covers and pulled my knees up, hugging them to me as if that would make the hole in my heart go away.  
"Do you want something to eat?" Kathy asked. "Yes…no..I-I don't know. I feel so bad." She sat down on the  
bed beside me and stroked my hair, but there was no comfort in it for me. She sighed, knowing perhaps what  
had happened and that there really was nothing she could do. Since Dean and Risa had been standing in the  
middle of camp when he confronted her, I was sure the whole camp knew by now. She got up and turned to  
go saying, "I'll be back with some food."

I waited for her to leave and sat up, trying to figure out what to do. In all my millennia of existence I had never  
felt more alone and had no idea where to go from here. The only thing that crossed my mind was the precious  
bottle of pills under the mattress. I slipped my hand in and they were still there, so I pulled them out and  
opened them. Staring into the bottle I knew I shouldn't but I had to fill the void in my soul somehow. I took  
two and sat there waiting for that for them to take me to dreamland again. If I couldn't escape any other way  
I could return to my dream world.

I woke to Kathy's voice trying to rouse me and I could smell food. I was so hungry since I hadn't eaten in more  
than a day, but the thought of eating anything was repulsive. I sat up and took it from her and tried to eat it,  
but it was just too much. My stomach was tied in knots, and not just from the massive hangover I had. I thought  
back to the previous day and sighed trying again to eat the sandwich she had brought me, but failed miserably.  
I handed the plate back to her and turned over to go back to sleep. I soared again in my dreams, and I was  
determined that if drugs were what it took to get there, then drugs it would be. I knew Risa would be  
disappointed, but it didn't matter anymore.

Over the next few days I settled into a new routine. My girls helped me when I needed it, but I spent most of  
my time alone. I spent a lot of time outdoors, working up my strength and was soon able to go get my own food  
and go for short "walks". I wasn't up to going down to the creek yet, but soon I was going to try. Now that I was  
mobile I was able to talk with the guy that provided my drugs and get my stash replenished. As my body readjusted  
to the drugs and alcohol I was almost back to what I had considered normal for the last year or so…a constant haze  
of drugs and alcohol that masked the pain I was feeling. It was no longer physical, for my foot was healing nicely,  
only hurting a little when I stayed up too long.

Steve came by to check on me the next week and seemed pleased with my progress. "Since we can't see what is  
going on in there I think it is best you continue to stay off it for another couple of weeks." I groaned and rolled my  
eyes wanting so badly just to walk on my own. "I know its frustrating, but the longer you stay off of it the better  
chance you'll have of not ending up limping for the rest of your life." I know", I said. "It's just so hard to deal with  
this when I used to be a freaking _Angel_." "Don't let it get to you." he said, looking at me intently to let me know  
he was well aware that I was back on the drugs. "This will all be over soon and you'll wonder why you ever let it  
get to you like this." He turned to go and I followed him out so I could sit on the porch for a while.

Kathy saw me sitting there and went to get the other girls. I was soon surrounded by my "harem" each taking  
turns to massage my legs and shoulders. It felt good, but nothing like the tender ministrations of Risa. As I was  
about to start teaching them more about my philosophy I saw Risa out of the corner of my eye. I had not seen  
her since that day almost two weeks ago. I turned my head and tried to meet her eyes, but she looked away  
and walked off toward Dean's cabin. I wanted to follow her and clear the air, but I knew the time was not right.  
Turning my attention back to the girls, I started my sermon which went on late into the evening. When I was  
done we went inside and had our first orgy since I had been hurt. I wasn't like making love to Risa, but filled  
a void in a way. We all fell asleep afterwards…a tangle of limbs strewn about my cabin haphazardly.

The next morning I awoke to see that Kathy was gone. I got up and extricated myself from the two girls lying  
on either side of me and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Over the last few weeks I had finally  
worked out a way to balance on my crutches and shower at the same time. I wasn't easy, but I managed.  
I was just getting started when one of the girls came in and looked at me longingly. I motioned her in and  
she proceeded to wash me. I decided that this was a good thing as it took much less energy on my part.  
After she toweled me off and dressed me I returned to my room to se that Kathy had arrived.  
"The Ladyslippers are blooming!" she said.

I decided to celebrate the fact that I had finally conquered the infernal crutches and was able to get around  
on my own by inviting my girls to go with me to the creek to see them. I grabbed a bag from the cabinet  
containing my own home grown marijuana and handed it to one of the girls. They helped me out and down  
the stairs and off we went. The ground was uneven as we got closer to the creek and I was exhausted by  
the time we got there, my good leg and shoulders aching with the pressure of doing all the work. I probably  
wasn't ready for this, but the sight of the many Ladyslippers was as beautiful as I had remembered…one of  
my Father's better creations.

I collapsed unto the ground in a bare spot, not wanting to crush any of the delicate flowers. The bag was  
produced and passed to me and I began to roll some joints for all of us. We partook of the magic weed  
until we were all giddy. We laughed at many things, especially the sight of my pink cast surrounded by  
the pink flowers. I wished I had a camera to capture the moment. Just as I was contemplating the long  
distance back I saw Risa coming towards us. It shocked me enough to realize that I had fallen back into  
the same old life when she had given me the chance to get out of it. The girls scattered to a spot closer  
to the creek, knowing that Risa was coming to talk to me.

"Damnit, Cas!" she yelled. "I tried so hard to get you out of this life of yours and here you are throwing it  
all away!" I could see the hurt in her eyes, but my stoned mind could not think of anything to say. I tried  
to stand up, forgetting for the moment that I needed the assistance of my crutches and fell immediately  
back to the ground when the pain sliced through my foot as I put my weight on it. I groaned and then  
started to laugh, not the right thing to do I knew, but the drug had taken took over. She looked at me  
in disgust and turned to leave. 'Wait, Risa", I pleaded "I'm sorry, I know I'm an idiot. Please?" I remembered  
when I thought I would never get down here to see the delicate pink blossoms and how much I wanted to  
be here with Risa. The hole in my heart returned and the tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks.

Through my tears I saw a brief glimpse of the old Risa, but it was quickly replaced by something else.  
Pity? Hate? Disgust? I couldn't tell, but I knew that the slim chance I had to win her back was gone. I watched  
her walk away, my eyes following her until she was out of sight. I lay back down on the ground on my side  
and sighed. My lighter was there in front of me and I winced, thinking about the day Dean gave it to me.  
It had meant the world to me at that moment. He was giving me a lighter that once belonged to his father.  
I was so unworthy, and had been for quite some time.

I could see the girls still gathered down by the creek, but they seemed unsure what they should do. Finally  
Kathy walked up and knelt down to help me up. I retrieved the bag, picking a Ladyslipper and placing it  
carefully inside my shirt. I knew what I had to do. Wordlessly we started back to the cabin, and I was  
struggling to drag myself along on the crutches by the time we were halfway back. It was so much harder  
on the mossy, soft ground of the forest. I sat down on a rock to rest and all the girls stopped with me, but  
I motioned them on. I wanted to be alone.

I watched as they continued on. They were all I had now, but I was sending them away. I contemplated  
my broken foot, the pink cast standing out starkly against the dark green moss and dead leaves that  
surrounded the rock. It was as if I were seeing a representation of my life, the bright vibrant pink my life  
as an Angel, the moss my fall to Earth, and the dead leaves my withered Grace. _Is that the drugs talking  
or would I see the same thing were I clean?_ I thought. I searched myself for the small flicker of my Grace  
that was there the day this all started. I could feel the place in the vessel where it resided, but it was  
cold and dead. My heart sank as I realized I had finally shed the last vestiges of my Grace. I was truly human.

A single tear ran down my cheek, but I wasn't sad, just empty. I sat there for an hour just staring out at  
the forest and listening to the wind through the trees, the birds, and the water crashing over the rocks  
down at the creek. I just wanted to lie down and sink into the earth, becoming a part of my Father's  
beautiful creation. It occurred to me that I had never previously considered my own human death when  
I _would_ become part of it. I knew as I had always known that Dean Winchester would be the cause of my  
demise one way or the other. The only thing I could do for him now was fight once I had healed, and I  
would go down fighting for him even if that sacrifice meant nothing to him now.


	9. Resignation

**Chapter 8 Resignation**

As I approached camp I saw my girls running towards me, and I could see they were worried. I suppose I should  
care that they were, but it made no difference to me. I struggled to move on as they gathered around me trying  
to help, but they were getting in my way more than anything. I brushed them aside and could tell I hurt their  
feelings. I couldn't push away the last people that cared about me like that. "I'm sorry." I said, and proceeded  
to gather them all to me in a hug. What I was about to do would forever end any real relationship with Dean  
or Reesa and I needed these people in my life even if they didn't mean that much to me.

"I need to speak to Dean", I said to no one in particular and they left me to make my way to Dean's cabin alone.  
As I made my way up the stairs I knew he would hear me, and I saw the door open to reveal Risa. I didn't say  
anything and continued slowly up the stairs. By the time I got to the top Dean was also standing there. "What  
the hell do you want, Cas? Don't you think you've done enough?" Dean said. "No, I haven't. There are things  
that need to be said." I said forcefully.

I reached into my pocket and produced the lighter he had given me and held it out in the palm of my left hand.  
"This should be yours. I am no longer worthy of this gift." Dean reached out to take it, his hand shaking as if he  
were afraid to touch it. While his attention was on the lighter I carefully balanced myself and swung as hard as  
I could at his face with my right fist. He fell back into Risa and they fell to the floor looking at me like I had lost  
my mind, Dean's face turning quickly to anger.

"What the fuck was that for?" Dean said as he struggled to get up. Thankfully Risa was holding him back enough  
that I could back away slightly out of Dean's reach. "That was for treating Risa like shit!", I said. "You have a chance  
to have something, even if it isn't the best of circumstances. You treat her like a whore, making her pleasure you  
just so she can do nice things for others. She obviously loves you, not me, so get over the fact that the two of us  
made a mistake."

I produced the now slightly wilted and crushed Ladyslipper from inside my shirt and handed it to Risa. "Thank you  
for everything you have done for me, but it is Dean that you want and I won't get in the way of that." She looked  
relieved and smiled slightly, but Dean still had murder in his eyes. "I will be here for you Dean, and I will fight for  
you when am able as I have always done.", I said. I turned to go and nothing more was said as I slowly hopped  
down the stairs. Not the most graceful exit from the dramatic scene, but the best I could so under the circumstances.  
I had made it clear that I was resigned to the situation and there was nothing more that I could do.


	10. Epilogue  The Song Remains the Same

**EPILOGUE – The Song Remains the Same**

With my declaration to Dean and Risa out in the open I was no longer burdened by the feelings of hurt and betrayal; they  
were replaced by a certain emptiness. That I could deal with, numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. Weeks passed in a  
haze as I made a new life of sorts for myself, forgetting about Dean and Risa. Steve came to remove my cast finally and  
began the slow process of regaining the muscle tone in my leg. Although I was still unable to do much, I was at least able  
to move about my cabin freely at last. My girls and I resumed our regular meetings and orgies, and I found some comfort in it.

When my foot was finally able to take the stress of going out on missions I gladly went. I was still on a mission from God  
after all…I had to take care of Dean even if he no longer wanted it. Over the next few months everyone seemed to forget  
that the deep seeded pain in my soul was over the loss of my former self, the drama surrounding the broken foot obliterating  
their memory of anything that came before. They seemed to think that once my foot had healed, that they no longer had  
to worry about me. They didn't see the underlying pain caused by my memories of being an Angel. Dreams were my refuge,  
where I could once again feel the wind through my wings and escape if only for a little while.

I put on a brave face, smiling and laughing where it seemed appropriate, my laughter fueled by the drugs and alcohol  
more often than an actual good feeling. They saw this and took my apparent mirth as a sign that I was fully recovered,  
but what they all failed to see was that the smile never reached my eyes. 

* * *

Thanks for reading. I really wanted to go a different way with this in the middle, keeping Cas off the drugs, getting him together  
with Risa so they could have babies and live happily ever after, BUT I promised myself when I started it that I would keep it canon,  
so I had to get Cas back to the Future!Cas we saw in "The End". Maybe I'll rework it later on and take of on a tangent.


End file.
